Decoding Jealousy (And A Bit On Fantasy Cheating) - The Green Eyed Monster Is Wiser Than You Think

Jealousy And Cheating

Jealousy is one main reason relationships lose cohesive communication. When communication and trust are gone the relationship is doomed. Its just a matter of time before you irritate each other and stop trusting one another. Passion cannot survive where trust doesn't live nor can peace of mind, or worse it flips polarities and instead of having no passion you have negative and impactful passion that drives you apart violently (and can affect anyone in your wake).

When you trust your partner, and are yourself not doing anything wrong you don't get jealous (unless you have self esteem and/or security issues) because even if they look at another attractive person you can read their body language to determine if they're just looking ^{(we all have a right to look, they're going to do it when you're not there anyway so why torture yourself or them? Why should they have to pretend?)} as in she's attractive (and that's it) or if they're "thinking" I want her/him.

The problem with men is most men ARE thinking of intimate fantasies when they see an attractive woman and their significant other picks up on this "Lovers Language" in their body language. Men have hormones that cause them to become horny pretty easily when they see an attractive woman, but if they want to keep their lover happy they better learn to control their thoughts as well as their actions.

One of the reasons people cheat is they indulge in what seems like an innocent private fantasy with another person. Depending on the fantasy this may not be too bad- if it doesn't repeat, but if its an intense fantasy it will (all things considered) have an impact on his ability to stay faithful, and to even enjoy his lover with complete passion.

This takes us back to the "Lovers Language" which is essentially the body language of lust. We read our lover like we read ourselves in a mirror, (unemotionally speaking that is) we see what they are thinking because we understand their body language "code".

As we grow and evolve so does our code, however if your constantly with someone, living with them and seeing every moment of their life, your definition of their language is also evolved so you, unlike those who don't spend quite as much time with them, know them better and more "intimately".

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When You Or Your Lover Change Something Subtle, Changes Can Bring On Displaced Jealousy But You May Not (truly) Know Why You Feel That Way. What strikes a shiver into your spine is when your partner suddenly and subtly change their language, especially if they had a routine that barely changed. If they found passion somewhere else it will become reflected in their entire language structure (body language, movement, vocal tones/inflections even their way of touching you). You know when they are getting passion from another source because they start to deteriorate in the passion they give you since their attention is now split, you being the old the other being the new. It doesn't necessarily have to be a person, but the shift almost always is seen as this subconsciously to the lover who feels "neglected". 

I'm not suggesting that one can't split their passion (we do it with work, lovers, projects, etc... and still have healthy relationships, but it's the misguided jealousy that is the problem! 

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We don't realize it but we also project our own internal world onto our lover and so we see ourselves a lot in them. It's but an imaginary projection, a perception, but when we feel guilty or do something wrong we always see it in them, especially our lover because our intimate feelings for them color the projection. For example if we cheated and are hiding it we see the cheating projected on them (as if they're cheating) and start to accuse them of our paranoid delusions. This is how our thoughts manifest, they always manifest. If you assumed your thoughts just swim around benignly in your head, think again!

When we feel threatened by our lover looking at another person for example its usually not them were worried about, but ourselves.

If we've cheated or had impure thoughts (ones we can't share without repercussion) about others like if your a woman and were thinking naughty thoughts of a guy at work in detail, what threatens you isn't that he's being or going to be unfaithful, its because you feel guilty for you yourself doing what you'd feel hurt if he did. (cheating is technically based on your personal moral compass and beliefs, but overall, if it would hurt your partner and feel like cheating- it is).

When he looks at this girl, you fear

a.) He'll find out about your thoughts or

b.) he'll do it too which you'll feel hurt.

O ne rule of thumb to help you avoid this: If you can't take it happening to you, don't do it to them. sure its your own private thoughts but our thoughts always end up reflecting off those you care about. The other thing to consider is if he loves you this means he can read even your slightest movements in relation to your thoughts and words. He can tell when your lying and when your thoughts stray from ONLY him as a lover (on the mental front). He picks it up intuitively, a simple conversation on the phone will tell him a lot.

 Fantasizing IS The On-Ramp To Potentially Cheating

If you indulge in fantasies of other people intimately, you will change (body language, thoughts, filters). Realize we're creatures of manifestation, our thoughts become real, they shape everything in our lives, if you think it you will see it eventually manifest in some form in the real world. It doesn't have to be obvious or manifest in the way you think- it actually ends up manifesting in negative ways such as losing patience with your partner, losing interest, and more.

You will subtly act different and it will snowball to more and more feelings of guilt, ramping up anxiety (that your causing to yourself!) which you will see projected on him/her when he/she does anything remotely triggering to your memory of what you indulged in. From looking at a girl for one second too long to saying thank you to a hot waitress with an innocent smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye it usually manifests in guilt and jealousy.

He will do nothing wrong but you will over analyze his actions because all you'll see is your own guilt. If you start accusing him of cheating, looking at other people, and the like it will not end well- many men have cheated for no other reason that their lover pushed them to it with irrational jealousy. They figure if they are going to get judged and hung they may as well have done the crime (that's no excuse but it is reality).

The whole thing in this scenario is your own fault for doing what you'd not want him to do, even if it was innocent it strikes fear into you when you see him looking, and you label his actions according to your fear/guilt. Solution? Don't do anything you don't want him to do and liberate yourself (bared repeating).

Thoughts are not benign, and this scenario experienced personally should prove it! It's not that he will know you thought intimately of someone else, its that YOU will know and build a filter, and strain the rest of the world through it!

This KILLS passion, which is a free agent. A liberated feeling of trust breeds trust.. so monitor and be responsible in your thoughts as well as your actions, thinking is no different from doing it.

Rule of thumb, if you can't tell him about it, then its a toxic thought, so stop before it hurts your relationship! You should also realize if your fantasizing about other people, that alone is a sign that your relationship is likely stagnating in some way.

Passion in a lot of relationships are infected by this seemingly benign type of thing. Think as if everyone can hear you because eventually through your actions, fears, filters, and expectations...  they will eventually manifest so they can hear you anyway... And the consequences can be very humbling.

Lover's Language: The code that breeds Jealousy of Ex's. Past lovers have one thing no new guy has and thus you get more jealous with them than anyone esle, but what is that? Is it greedy jealousy or is there a very real reason this happens? The reason is these past lovers can still read your partners language and are likely still "in sync". If she just happens to be thinking of you while talking to him you will see this language and may mistake it as flirting towards him. She may very well be thinking of how glad she is she met YOU and no longer has to deal with HIM! The irony is that most people are paying more attention to the body language that doesn't count- the ex, than the one that does- your partner! Most of the time if you shift your focus off him (and jealousy) you will see that they conflict! Instead most people focus on the ex, then project onto their lover what they fear and that leads to nothing good.

The cooling off period after a long term relationship is supposed to neutralize these feelings and thus the new lover can enjoy them exclusively because although a lot of the body language is personal to the person, it changes slightly with each different person. As you're together longer it starts to move into a more tailored position- but that's not what people see when they are jealous (ehum on the defensive) - they see the subtle similarities and jump to conclusions.

We are ever evolving and maturing so over time the "landscape" is not exactly the same, nor are the cues (some stick others change). The intense rush of jealousy you get when your partner runs into an ex is moderated by how they interact. Things you thought she only did towards you may be a part of their relationship before and he may still harbor feelings thus his body language starts to look like hers! (or worse, YOURS!)

I go deeper into the Lover's Language concept in the The Art And Science of Passion article (towards the middle of the article) the picture on the bottom right of this paragraph will take you there. I wanted to touch on it here because its an important reason people don't trust their lovers with their ex's, a subconscious language exists and when someone else has spent any duration of time with your lover they "Know" this code. How well they know it and how deep it goes (i.e. intimacy?) depends on how their relationship went. 

Thoughts Manifest Through Your Environment and Actions

I want to talk for a bit about thoughts  and how they can deteriorate passion, trust and more (we touched on it above but I'll go into more depth here for clarity a few lines may repeat).

Thoughts are not things you can keep to yourself. Your thoughts express themselves through your environment. If you think things about another guy you cant tell your lover about, he will find out, not by you telling him, but by your later feeling guilty. Talking in your sleep is also a possibility. Your dreams are often cast by the days events- even your moments of indulgence in fantasy! This alone makes fantasizing dangerous. 

Take into consideration that 80% of a relationship is forged and exists in the mental and emotional planes. If you cheat on your boyfriend by sleeping with another man EVEN IN A (so called) HARMLESS FANTASY you're cheating on him as far as karma and the laws of the universe go (or based on psychology if you wish). What's worse is you did it in the very realm the love and passion exist in!

"You're in my heart" is really stating your essence, what I love about you exists in my mental state, the section of my mental real-estate that is charged with love and manifests in what I do for you, how I touch you etc... If you violate this realm thinking that fantasy is harmless, think again. Thoughts become things. I highly recommend "The Secret" and "What The Bleep Do We Know (quantum edition)" for more perspective.

I'll bet there are more relationships ruined by the seed of  "cheating-in-fantasy". One thing it leads to often is fantasy while making love to your partner. The innocent fantasy means nothing you think but you see this person over and over and the fantasy felt good, you indulged; this starts to deteriorate your relationship at home because it robs you of your full focus of love and your emotional love for your lover. The fantasy often will override your partner (in enjoyment) if your relationship isn't on full tilt.

You eventually start to see (out of your own guilt) your partner doing things that they simply aren't doing. You start to subconsciously compare them to this person you fantasized about, and as this other person isn't in the stressful mix of bills and all the other responsibilities that you and your lover share, this other person feels less taxing on your emotions, so its actually an unfair assessment this comparison! The other unfair advantage is your fantasy is often worked up to make the person more desirable than they actually may be so your competing with a fantasy that isn't even based on the real person!

Before you know it you feel the relationship stale, and its you not your partner that caused it to snowball to where it ends up, so your making love to him/her one night and the other guy pops into your head. Now you decide to spice up the "boring" intimacy with this guy replacing your lover in real time.. When it's all over he's astonished at how much energy you had but has no idea it wasn't him that provoked it... The clue is that they aren't looking you dead in the eyes afterward... Eventually cheating will likely ensue or the relationship will lose passion and neither of you will realize what happened. (until you landed here that is).

In relationships I make sure to keep cheating type thoughts out of my head, for this reason, and if I see a girl and think she's cute, I tell my girlfriend but I'm dam sure not to express it other than analytical. I always have this talk about being honest with each other, and so we don't hide anything, this keeps the trust going and the bad thoughts from happening.

Rule of thumb don't think it (rather don't indulge in detailed fantasies) if you can't talk about it with your lover. If you are committed to him you should be 100% committed, Body spirit AND MIND. Passion is drastically affected by this and no one wants to believe it. Relationships don't just go stale, something had to change. 

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Lack Of Communication Ruins Relationships

The problems all stated above can be dissolved with simple communication, not paranoia, not guess work, not accusations or animosity and by respecting your partner even in places you don't think they hear you (thoughts).

If you always have an open conversation with your partner, don't force them to hide things they think about by punishing them for telling you! Communication will make your relationship stronger and more secure.

I recommend if your relationship is in turmoil and jealousy is already setting in that you pick up Dr. Phil's book Relationship rescue.

This book isn't about the relationship as the title suggests, it's about resolving Yourself so you can react to your partner with more intelligence, more compassion, and more love. You can't change her you can change yourself. Most people get it backwards- you can only change yourself- period. But in relation to how you affect people, react to people, and treat people- you can affect change in them through communication and the environment you create.

I would also suggest any new couple read this book together (separately or together, there are exercises that you will want to keep the answers to yourself for best results).. as I've found this book taught me to maintain more respectful relationships and in fact the one I was in that lead me to desperately learn what was in that book was actually a very toxic one that couldn't be resolved positively- so I walked away and met my true love a year later in a whole other state I'd of never moved to in a million years (Oregon) because I though the state was all wild life and trees! It turned out to be paradise on earth (bend, Oregon anyway).

Good Luck! If you want advice on how to keep amazing passion in your relationship see my article on The Science of passion! or How to Kiss With intoxicating passion!